November 26, 2007

~ Randomly...

I like to be right and I like to be in a position of authority.

Right?

Well, not exactly.

I like to be right. Who doesn't? But I don't have to always be right. It's just that I don't or won't say or offer an opinion if I am not more or less convinced that I am right (or at least, making sense). And I don't always get to be 100% right. I don't even want to be 100% right, all the time. It's just that there aren't a lot of people around me who are capable of pointing out that I'm not 100% right. It's not even that difficult. You just have to be more convincing to me than myself, more clear-headed than me, more reasonable than me or be my mother. But that's not possible at all. So, just the earlier 3 then.

I absolutely do not like or desire to be in a position of authority or dominance. I'm too self-indulged to be willing to take on the burden of leading others. I am grateful when I don't have to decide or don't have to be the one in the lead or in the seat of counsel. It's just that most people I hang out with don't score very high on decisiveness. It so happens that I really do not like wasting too much time on trivial considerations like where to go, where to eat and what to do at a possible place. To me, it's more like "Let's just go and see what happens" or "Let's just have crickets for dinner - what's the worst that can happen?" Maybe not crickets. But you get my drift. The point is, once decisions are made, things can run on auto-pilot and that means, I get to stone and self-indulge, again.

That's what I really enjoy doing. It's not that I am calm or composed, patient or steady. I just like to indulge in one thing at a time and preferably, it's something I like doing for myself. I happen to like to world-gaze, aka stone. Then, appear like I'm deep in thought.

So, no. I don't necessarily have to be right all the time and I don't like to be in a position of authority. When needed, I like to make things move along and make other people move along so that I default back to my self-indulgence mood and all my little distractions (that usually don't include other human beings).

xxx

I snapped out of that mode a few times. To give equal, if not more, concern and care to another person. To what they call 'share my world'. Only to find my world being very much devastated because of that moment of folly.

It's absurd to think that one could ever be fully understood and two worlds can come together to be one.

The bitter fruit of that endeavour is a pretty fucked one. So, wouldn't you, too choose to live a half-fucked existence than to invest in reality what is only imaginable?

Maybe not. Then again, who cares what you would choose! Live your life and don't tell me how to live mine.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:15